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Monday, 9 May 2011

Some cunts at Publicis and Nick Jones

Original by Beardyman

Rip-off by some cunts at Publicis and Nick Jones

The creatives responsible for this prolapse-inducing cringefest will remain anonymous for now. I can't find any mention of them anywhere, and believe me, I've been nosing round all over the shop. There's a total information embargo on these fuckers. Even now I imagine they're locked up for their own safety in a Publicis basement stationary cupboard, chin-deep in a soup of each other's tears and shit, praying that Humanity will forgive them for inflicting the lines 'Love those funky biscuits' and 'Hip-hopping Hobnobs' on us. Either that or they've already been 'disappeared' by their Creative Director, renditioned to the McVitie's factory and ground up into little chunks. Don't be surprised if the left molar of the copywriter turns up in a Medley Bar some time soon.

But I did manage to uncover the identity of the director. May I present serial-plagiarist, Nick 'Anything'Jones. The very same Nick Jones who shat the toenail-meltingly awful Mighty Boosh rip-off into our collective faces. Here it is again, for those who haven't seen it, and for those who have but then immediately gouged the memory out of their brains with a teaspoon up the nose:

Oh God, that's awful. 'Sunshine Princess'? Who writes this shit? Henry Challender, since you ask. What a cunt. Anyway, back to Nick. According to the bio on his production company website (from which both the Sugar Puffs and Hobnobs ads are conspicuously absent), Nick started out in TV comedy before moving into ads. To quote: "...he knows exactly where the gag lies, and how not to tread on it or spoof it." Too right he knows where the gag lies; in someone else's fucking idea. Much like the two hapless twats in his ad, it seems Nick has his own special recipe, which I imagine goes something like this:

First, cook up an excuse for what you're about to make. It doesn't have to hold together, it just has to exist. Once you've done that, put it to the side - you'll need it later. Now, take an idea, any idea, it doesn't matter where you find it and sieve out everything that makes it funny or charming in any fucking way at all. Really give that sieve a good old shake until anything that looks like wit or joy has been filtered right the fuck out. When the mixture is almost inedibly bland, glaze it with a thin coating of high-end production values and slide it into an edit suite where you can leave it for about a week, before serving it to a disbelieving nation. Of course it'll make everybody sick, but don't worry - you'll still get paid YOU FUCKING SHAMELESS THIEVING CUNT.

But looking on the bright side, this bowlful of abortion has been a total shitastrophe for everyone involved - even Bass6 the beatboxer has had some shit thrown his way. Nick - cunt. Anonymous cunts at Publicis - also cunts. And not anonymous forever, either. I'm still looking...


  1. These people have absolutely no integrity.

    But can I ask why you don't name and shame the talentless Creative Directors that sign this apathetic advertising off?

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